nausea. stomach curdling. not sure how well i could possibly describe this particular emotion. perhaps it is more popular than i think, and i do not have to rely so much on expressing the feeling itself, but rather the situation. if so, maybe you will recognize the emotion i am referring to. if not, well i doubt i could conjure it up within you; i am not that literately gifted.
only associated with past relationships of some sort, an ache to speak to them, near a dire craving. however, a fear in the pit of your gut, like the anticipation of death, captivates you when you see his name..hear his voice..wait for his words. body quakes, pulse quickens, feverish, flu like. the fear stems from KNOWING interaction could only end in disaster, and yet you persist with the minimal inkling that they could desire the same as you. out of pure desperation and challenge, you move the mouse to their name, send a "hello." for those moments prior and during the wait, you hope you can revert the negativity...kiss the booboos. until reality sets in as the remark you receive is so destroying, tears flood your eyes. and that nausea? may just be released into the sink. for a little while, the lashing will leave glowing marks and sting like no other injury. a scar, though, the flesh will lack, for soon enough thoughts of them will be beautiful enough, camouflaged enough in delightful memories that you will click his name despite that curdled stomach.
what a remarkable scheme nature has created to prevent advances in such dysfunctional relationships..until it meets someone like me who thrives on horrors. i have yet to learn. it kills me! but it keeps me alive...
No comments:
Post a Comment