That title is false. i do not know why i used it. im sorry if i just broke your poor little heart. oops i did it again, calling your heart little. im on such a roll today.
tomorrow is my final final of the quarter, and oh how i wish i could bypass it completely. the course is a throw away 2unit'er and yet contains the most memorization of any of the classes iv taken this year. boo. i thought it was my not attending class but 3 times causing my whine. however, after speaking with several of my fellow classmates, i have quite a possible claim. none of us are looking forward to tomorrow's exam (as if there is an exam we have ever looked forward to...). i should probably warn you, imaginary reader of mine, i feel particularly cynical this week. partially i blame Taylor Swift. yes i said it. cutesy, country and pop's baby doll in sun dresses, has made me cynical this week. i finally picked up her latest album (very overdue) and after researching the inspirations for each song, am now directly affected by them. one in particular scratched away the seedlings over the fresh dirt of some past relationships. fortunately i am clear as ever that the conclusion of those relationships were the best option, however the reverie kills me. to top it off, a therapist i just started seeing has asked me to evaluate the ways in which i go about forming relationships and treating them. yay. he said someone who wears awesome hats like me (fedoras) should have friends. thanks? the upside to this state of mind: self and social reflection and has yet made me lonelier. will i become depressed? probably. but more out of this reflection and realization instead of dictation from my mood/loneliness. i enjoy this form of depression so much more, for i at least feel there is a concrete reason for that downfall. otherwise the depression worsens from the frustration 'why do i feel terrible!?!'
in other mental news, the therapist confirmed im a masochist and that the treatment is 2 years. thanks mom.
and despite my self and social wallowing, my significant other sticks by me, putting up with each mood swing, each threat, each tear. i hope so much that i make long, quick strides to wellness before i lose him. i could not blame him for leaving at any point, and for this i try even harder to abstain from my defense mechanisms. scarier to love and be loved but it supplies a phenomenal reason to fight those fears. for the first time in my life, i look to the future with hope and positivity. Nietzsche was wrong. i didn't have to recreate my purpose, it just had to be revealed. 'he' illuminated that purpose, and for this i reinvent the rest of me. we are worth it.
