Fear

i did not defeat bowser last night after all. my brother thought he'd be a punk, so i left and read some Sandra Brown. amazing author, but her writing keeps my sleep pattern erratic. i was up until 3:30 am reading, then up by 8:30 because the sun was beaming through my window. sleep is an elusive gift.
has your fear ever made you not afraid? this sounds absurd, i know. however, i am at this stage of fear, that i feel no fear. it's as if i have spent all i can of that emotion, and now running on numbness, ignorance, and at times, hope. any possible benefit from fear, ie. adrenaline, has become moot. i know i hold no power this time. the hardest thing to do in life, is nothing. love is all i have left. but admitting this, is detrimental to my psyche, so i put it out. to admit helplessness, to admit time is all i can give, breaks my heart. this is not lying on the floor in a pool of tears and drool from the "i dont love you anymore." this is not the "daddy, why were you never there?" this is a heartache like none other. watching and waiting for someone you love more than life, deteriorate in their prime but pain, and be as full of worth as an icecube in a blizzard. i refuse to feel. if i feel, i am admitting this could be the end. so i pray on.