Untitled Song draft

you got inside my mind
you played the chords just right
let me in and now
youve turned me inside out
its always me
 i cannot let you take me down to where you live
underneath the scum of couldn't give
your smile never said im happy
neither you wanted me to be
rather the world suffer your misery
you know you intimidate me
with your pretend sincerity
dripping with conceit

youre not sage, just sad

Untitled Song Draft

you touch me
i tremble
iv never felt this way before
you shun me
im crying
still i cannot find the door
no i never never wanted
never tried to be in love
too much sadness and dependence
always awaiting the final blow

Punishment - Draft1

we twisted the visions until love seemed painful
im shrinking inside this static box with worthless members betraying me
fingers recalling the curves and textures of your skin
legs trembling hating every step away from your room
eyes searching the crowd for you
mouth moving to masochistic words
tongue yearning for blood
heart still beating.

I could always tell it was you laughing from rooms away.

I hear your cackle. Anyone who knows you recognizes it and inevitably cackles, themself. You're laughter calms and softens even the densest of hearts. I can't remember a time it wasn't that way. You see me. At least I think you do. But everyone wants to talk to you, laugh with you. It takes a little bit before you get to me. You smile cheesily. You're in a great mood today. I smile back. We talk and walk, and talk and walk with others. Too soon, you have to go. I'm guessing you're tired. All the excitement we drum up, can be tiresome. But after you have left, I'm not sad. Well, I am slightly sad, but not as sad as I'd expect after your having to go. My smiles aren't quite as wide when you're not around. I cannot cause anyone to laugh as well as I cause you. My vacations of choice include watching television with you and waiting up half the night discussing trivial matters. But right now, as you walk away, I feel surprised, perhaps even dissatisfied with you.

My eyes don't have to open to realize you weren't real. Of course I was dissatisfied. Our brains could be the most advanced and capable elements of the universe: able to imagine. But even those can't recreate someone it has experienced time and time again to fullest degree. Inside my head, night or day, you're merely a two-demensional figure. How could the essence of a someone who causes so much rapture by just being near!, be caught within the strokes of a stick figure. I may hear your laughter and feel the softness of your skin, but they're stick figures compared to you. Nothing, compared to you. I wish I had a magical brush that could paint with the texture of your soul. But I fear no amount of magic could enliven a canvas in accord with your splendor.

I wish I could talk with you. I wish I could see you. And I do, but all I have are these worthless visions of you that could never do you justice. My mind just can't do it. It can't fool me, even as I sleep, that you are here.

I miss you, my dear Amanda.

Free Write 1

here comes the electro
im pretty sure i was given too many chances. arent i on strike...who knows what, but well past three? was not i supposed to be out long ago? waiting for the destruction of the world. wait..it already is destroyed. see what i mean? my mind is blown. directionless. they say when caught out in the ocean, the worst is falling too below the surface, especially in the dark. elusive exit surface. im trapped below that mirky water. right, left, up, down, all become a slurry of choices that lead nowhere but deeper into the abyss. my lungs ache to expand. finally they are compelled to suck in. nothingness enters through my mouth. i swallow it continuously. im ravenous. like an infant, i root. my body lurches, searching for more nothingness to drink in. and then i am still. full of absence and darkness. i sink further. i like it here. no longer seeking out the exit. just falling graciously into a pit. i like it here. i am alone and safe. i like it here. never shall i worry about pain. or love. i like it here. i like it here. i like it here. it. here. i. nothing but words, not even a string. just words. vacant of meaning. i am vacant of meaning. in fact, without meaning, i does not exist. a hollow, forgotten word, from a forgotten past. here.

Therapy Poetry1

it's been a terrible two months. as expected. i don't think i need to say the obvious when it comes to what happened. i'm sure i will soon post much about what has happened. of course without names, just emotions. but here's the most recent poem/song...i wrote it within the last 20 minutes. i am SURE i will be updating it soon. but here's the rough/raw words as of now. here's to looking forward to sad/depressing words. hope you all are well.

Walls arent closing in
They are breaking down
My head has been screaming
But I don’t hear a sound
The life I thought I had
Has been ripped apart
Now any future
Seems so dark
What if I don’t want to go on now
Could they ever understand
What if everything is too broken now
Too late to lend a hand
pieces cant be forced to fit
I know ill never be over this
But I keep seeking out what ever will take this pain away
Ill never find
A love like yours
Wind on which I soared
Im falling
Crashing down
I felt my wings break as I peered into your face
With your last breaths I prayed for you to rest
I layed against your bed sobbing like a child I said
“You were my best friend”
And now im falling
Im crashing down
Im burning
Right through the ground
Im falling
Forever into space
Hoping I will lose my way
But you are worth every ounce of pain

Hospital Spaces

we are wrecks. is it fair to jot emotions and thoughts of a common affair? especially within a room stained with them. fortunately, giggles help blur pain's edge. but another set of walls imprisons perseverance, beauty, and faith, while silence streaks red across them, tainting them with impending desolation. she's holding on. by a liquid strand. she breathes without winces and sleeps without tears. how long until even that is too much to ask for? i peer out from inside a vessel, desperate to connect to this world or be blinded completely. i ache to sit beside her, lose everything but that moment, but her and i, but her. and i cant. something scratches at me. gnaws on me. my fingers twitch and my heart races waiting..waiting..waiting for who knows what. some sort of change. anticipation for laughter, dread for ...

i cannot continue this post at this time. too hard. too much.